he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
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