I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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