i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
Randomize
