I'm eating all of the evidence.
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
