The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
Randomize
