Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Randomize
