i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Randomize
