everyone is single if you try hard enough
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
