Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Life without a bra equals bliss.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
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