So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
Naked. naked and bneed help.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
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