I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Randomize
