put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
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