It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
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