there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
