we're chasing vodka with high fives
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
