Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
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