I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Randomize
