Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
