in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
