i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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