I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
This is the high leading the old right now
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
