Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
