listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
