She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Randomize
