I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
its not stalking. its research.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
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