omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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