There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
