I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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