I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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