God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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