We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
