I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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