Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
I'm going to jail i love you
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
Randomize
