goodnight i made you a song goodbye
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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