My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
