Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
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