ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
problem. drunk. stepbrother hitting on me again. help.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
Randomize
