i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
ok this is the part where i go up stairs and pass out incoherently untill 6 30 tommaorw morning and not rember any of this. love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
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