You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
Randomize
