I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
Randomize
