Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
