Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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