She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
