She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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