I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
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