Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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