I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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