the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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