Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
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