Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
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